08 July, 2012

Through the Eyes of a Child

Bible stories - as a child might tell them.

In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

Anyway, God made the world, and then He said, "Give me some light." Somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors yet.

Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple, and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars yet either.

Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah who lived to be like a million years old.

The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac, and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.

Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice, and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, and don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.

David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had like 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Author Unknown