12 November, 2013

Dear Tech Support:

I wish I could say this is my work. I can't, but at least I get to share it with you. I have no idea who the original author is/was. Enjoy.


Dear Tech Support:

I recently upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software and severely limiting access to the wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4, and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!

Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem. Women often complain, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. Husband 1.0, However, is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0; Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

Once installed, it is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. These women, however, end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support